Every time can be a time of reflection. It’s strange that people put such an emphasis upon the discovery of a new year. We think of growth and milestones as measurable and metrizable. As if volume and distance are the only worthwhile statistics. An overemphasis of pass versus fail, a meticulous tracking of every number. But not enough care into how we changed as humans. Do we love more? Have we grown more? Has our humanity evolved, or has it been grayed further by the soot of the environment around us?
You would think that we would build conducive environments for all of us to succeed. But what of our daily interactions? No care for strangers leads to hostility and infighting. When we yell and neglect before we listen and empathize, we introduce evil. There’s no doubt I’ve hurt others or caused them harm. I give the benefit of the doubt not so that they backstab me with the trust I’ve given them, but because they deserve that trust in every other circumstance except for one.
We isolate. Tuck away from the truth of ourselves and the world. It’s easy to hide in the digital landscape, designed to oppress us and squeeze us for our ‘value.’ Polarization and loss of perspective radicalizes us from our caring nature.
We’re taught to hoard. Win no matter the cost. My convenience more important than the wellbeing of another. Let alone my wellbeing. And we provide no comfort for those who have lost or have been done harm. Instead, we ridicule and ostracize.
I just want to ask, does tracking any statistic tell you about how you’ve treated others? Has a heartfelt conversation been listed as a success to you? Have you asked someone ‘are you okay’ recently? Do you apologize when you do wrong? Do you wait a second for people to clear out instead of pushing your way through? I can’t say I’ve always done all these things. Let alone to all the people that I know. I’ve been annoyed at people who walk slowly on the sidewalk while taking up the whole walkway.
This is not an attack on you; It’s a very forceful reminder to reflect. To think. Are we improving the environment around us? Are we contributing positively or negatively to the world? I get particularly pissed when people are belligerent. What happened to any sort of camaraderie? No wonder why they say chivalry is dead.
Ok, I’ll stop being dramatic. I didn’t intend to start attacking all of humanity (quite ironic considering the message). I really wanted to talk about becoming better. What it means to have grown.
I created this website in the Summer of my first year. That puts us at approximately two and a half years as of writing this. And despite that long stretch of time, the blog looks a little more barren than I had hoped. The website hasn’t grown much since its conception bar a few pages and files. But there’s one thing I’ll always appreciate about this small digital corner I’ve carved out: The amount of people who spent time on it and who have talked to me about it. Whether they’ve read a piece and enjoyed it or felt some sort of inspiration at wanting to do something similar. Yes, some people have made fun of me for it but pay them no mind!
Every time I get a message about it, I’m reminded of why I created this place. And while this place has remained somewhat similar since its inception, I’ve changed. Two and a half years… I went through a lot of arcs. Ups and downs. Every once in a while, I consider. How have I grown as a person? On a scale of weeks, little progress can be seen. But months? I learned, went through challenges, found epiphanies, have regressed and developed. Seen bad, done bad. Been granted goodness and sometimes helped. And sometimes hurt or underperformed. I’ve matured.
It sucks when I think about the fact that I might have hurt others. Done the opposite of my intentions. I’ve failed to build habits. I didn’t grow as much as I ought to have. I’ve failed by many people’s standards. Whether their opinions are important or not is of little concern to me. It’s just another point of data.
But that’s okay. Because I’m really trying to be better. To be appreciative of how far I’ve come. To understand that everything is an experience to learn and grow. Even if I fail, it’s because I tried. I’ve come to appreciate myself a little bit more. And I hope you do too. Just remember though, the one who grows complacent with their success squanders it. So, I have no choice but to become better. To grow further.
What does this entail? I can’t think of any huge things, but it’s not the huge things that have the greatest impact. It’s the times you smile. The times you say hello. The times you show up. The times you care. The times you stayed entrenched as someone’s bedrock, or wall to ricochet off of. The times you’ve been polite. The times you’ve refrained from hurting someone or saying something mean. The times you thought before you spoke. Wouldn’t it be nice if we were all kinder to one another? So, I have to try a little more than before to be kinder.
See, I don’t ever have a New Year’s Resolution. But someone important to me told me to think of one. And I don’t think I really can. I don’t subscribe to the thought that only one time is for reflection or change. Every moment is a chance to do better.
I can already hear them getting a little upset with that conclusion, so fine. Instead of a New Year’s Resolution, how about this: I’ll focus on habits and little things. Like saying nice things to others. Like showing I care for someone else. Like building consistency with things I’ve said I’d be consistent with. Whether it be looking at a textbook every day, or writing something every day, or doing something small every morning or night. Like showing myself the appreciation I deserve. Like saying hi to those I care about more frequently. Being calmer in the interactions that agitate me. Following through on my promises. Communicating more clearly. Caring even when it’s inconvenient to do so.
And, loving more deeply.